Hey Cutie Pies, If you need some more sexcapades in your life, please check out these blogs below!! My FAVVVVVV: http://sexcapades.tumblr.com/ Second Fav: http://sexcapadesandchampagne.blogspot.com/ St http://stellasexcapades.tumblr.com/ http://criminallyvu1gar.blogspot.com/2010/11/sexcapades-my-first-titties-nsfw.html Understand that I am new...Hopefully my own blog will catch on, but who knows! I am happy with just writing :) Hey Freaks, It's meee! Your favorite nympho...Doing non-nympho things tonight -__- #pissed So a little background: I work ALL the time. Like 60-70hrs/week.... Anyways, my life outside work if very important to me. I think about it ALLLLL DAYYY LONG so that when I finally get in my car, I'm like lets git er done! So tonight, I had big plans. Turns out, they were literally all in my head (lol). So remember Alex? See last post if confused...Well Alex asked me out to dinner. But come time to actually make it happen, he was literally MIA. #dickmove So instead of getting wined and dined, I am at home....Modelo in hand....with my roommate (who hates me right now), her alcoholic lesbian friend, and her mute best friend. Serious buzz kill. SOOOO I will be here....leave a comment if you have something adventurous to do in San Diego ;) Good Evening my little sluts, Although I want to tell you guys all my ridiculous stories, I also have to keep you up with the -->here and now<-- dun dun dun! So a little about my night... Tonight, after a 12 hour shift, my phone was BLOWING up. Not that this is a usual thing, but I received texts from FIVE different guys...And I'm not talking hook-up texts...I'm talking real-life-wanna-hang-out-tonight texts. Meet THE MEN: Exhibit A - Leo: Navy Seal, college friend/teammate, SEXY, buff....but SOOOOO weird! Straight up, the weirdest guy I have encountered besides my step-dad...but that's another story. "Yoooo Jordan, can I take you out tonight?" Exhibit B - John: mexican, car racing, gangster, sweetheart, young (20 years old), did I mention Mexican? "Heyyy you, whachu up 2 tnight" Exhibit C - Brandon: in college, blonde, once fat and now buff, tattoos, but cannot stop with the sexual innuendos....like over board. Ew. "Hey cutie. can i see you tonigt?" Exhibit D - Alex: sweet, hardworking (workaholic), buff, hilarious, nice smile, cares sooo much about his family...butttt no long-term goals "If you're not busy, I'm in PB with some friends having some drinks before I work at 10. Join me if you'd like :)" Exhibit E - Brad: super nice, great smile, surfer....terrible kisser..... "I'll be in PB tonight if you are free after work" So decision time came around...Who do I want to hang out with? After a Cali burrito of contemplation....as in I ate a Cali burrito and thought about it....I decided Alex was/is very worth my time. We are both super busy, professional people that work our asses off....Which is super awesome. After drinks in PB at Miller's, I drove him to work and we shared our first kiss...And guess what, little sluts....It was great and it didn't ruin everything instantaneously. Is this a transition period for J. Swan? Probably not....but there is nothing wrong with a little hope, right? I promise I will keep you updated! Oh and check back in tomorrow....I will be posting a sexcapade about some seriously awful froggy kisses from a Newport Beach ) So guys. Welcome to the Sexcapades of me, myself and I....Oh and those guys you will soon come to know and (hopefully) love. As I created a skeleton/outline for this blog to get you guys caught up, I got really excited to share the many ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing stories I have to tell. Hopefully you guys will find enjoyment from my encounters....If not, well BYE! ;My first story to tell dates back to the lovely high school years; me being a smart, yet naive Junior. My best friend Frankie and I considered ourselves to be somewhat popular....aka we sat at the right lunch tables, caused a ruckus at the back of the classrooms, got invited to weekend parties, and always had dates to the Prom. Now let me paint a picture for you.... Me: Short, loooong-ass brunette hair, athletic, sassy, etc. etc...Minus the occasional flirting with my history teacher, I walked the "straight and narrow" - managing to graduate with an Honors degree and more than a few full-ride scholarship offers to reputable schools. Frankie: Hawaiian, awkward, hilarious, musically inclined, etc. Maybe he smoked a little too much weed, but everyone loved him for it! Frankie, even more naive than I, became lucky enough to meet an amazing girl that attended the rival high school. Her: blonde bombshell with C-cup boobs, on the cheerleading team, drove a Jeep Wrangler, and wore Juicy on the reg. (HELLOOOOO matching sweat suits!) - ummmm excuse me, NO I am not jealous! Okay maybe a little..... Long story short, they began to date. Shocking, I know. But rah rah rah GOOOO Frankie (did you catch that cheerleader innuendo?)! Three months into their relationship, Frankie approached me in a very serious tone. "Ummm...Jordan, can I talk to you about something" *insert scared face here* "Uhhh Yeah, whats up Frank" "Sooo have you...like.......I mean I know you....So I need some help...And ummm...." *insert annoyed face here* "Frankie spit it out already" ".....okay so I really really like Morgan," he began...then it turned into a mumble/rant/slosh of words that went something like this.."I really like Morgan andiwannahavesexwithherandyouknow moreaboutsexthanmesowillyouhave sexwithmeandteachmehowtodoitso idontfuckthisup" *insert completely shocked face* So naturally, being the giving person I am (completely joking...kinda....not really...unless we are talking about BJs....then yes), I helped a brotha out! Dirty deets: it was not only the most awkward sex I ever had in my life, but he was top three smallest penises I have ever encountered. I'm talkin....less than four inches!!! Okay, and you know the type of sex that is so boring, you don't know what to do with yourself? Yeah...this was worse...He could barely get it up. I was like NOOO Frankie NOOO. Poor guy, no wonder they didnt last long....I would like to think I coached him through finding the motion of the ocean, but apparently this Hawaiian was not feelin the wave :/ In summary, hooking up with your best friend in the playroom where his 4-year-old brother watches cartoons is probably not the best idea. Also, boys, please buy the right size condom...Nothing more icky than pulling a condom out of your hoo-hah after awkward silent sex. Until next time my dirty sluts (or maybe it's just me), J. Swan |